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Monday, March 5th, 2012

Subject:For the family of Ruxana Memarzadeh
Time:1:07 pm.
Mood: contemplative.

Every once in awhile, throughout the years, I have a dream about Ruxana.

They seem so vivid, and it's like she never left my life. She returns to my dreams as the fun, vivacious, daring person I knew for an all too brief time.

Other times, I feel like I spot her in a crowd; I see someone who looks strikingly similar and for a second I believe its her.

I am sure I am not the only one who was touched by Ruxana, who has had these experiences.

I am writing this journal entry to the Memarzadeh family for a couple of reasons. I am sure you have at one time stumbled on this journal (which I haven't written anything in for 8 years), where there were tons of related entries following her passing. They were written when I was 16 and full of so much erratic emotion, and it was for the whole world to see.

Recently I typed in Ruxana's name into google and saw that my journal was one of the first things that came up. I re-read some of the entries and cringed at the content; none said anything negative about Ruxana, but I just felt that my emotions as a teen being shot out to the world in a rambling form (because I was hurting) was not appropriate for all to see, or associate your daughter's name with. In retrospect, I sincerely apologize for not having had that restraint at the time. Therefore, I have made all of those journal entries private so it's not the first few websites to show up if you type in Ruxana's name.

More importantly though, I want to express my extreme remorse in not going through with my meeting with you back in 2006, the summer which I had graduated High School. Ruxana's mother and I had remained in close contact the year following the tragedy, and had planned for me to meet with your family to share memories and stories, as well as answer any questions. Cowardly, I backed out at the last minute and was scared to open up all of that pain. I had suffered through a bad depression in my junior and senior year of High School, and had just overcome it. I was too scared to put myself in a vulnerable emotional place again. I apologize for doing you all that disservice.

I have tried to reach out to Ruxana's brothers over the years but I felt like it was never the right way. I have a lot I want to share with you guys, but realize you are adults now, and that you had to go through so much since Ruxana died. I understand that you probably don't want to dig up a lot of pain. I want to apologize if I seemed too invasive, or not respectful in anyway of your guys' privacy. That said, if you ever would like to ask me about memories or anything, do not hestitate to e-mail me at peterchpau@hotmail.com

In the end, I want to tell you guys that not a day goes by that I don't think of Ruxana, and miss her. Each time I visit San Diego I try to make it to that "sight", and when I do, I feel very connected to her.

I don't want to make it sound as though I knew Ruxana better than you all did, or that she was somehow more a part of my life than yours. Not at all. I knew Ruxana as a teenager, and we always joked we were soulmmates in a non-romantic way. In fact, to this date I haven't shared a connection with anyone else on that level, despite how little we actually ever got to hang out. But I just feel that it's important you know how much she touched my life and meant to me, and still does.

I hope one day we can meet, but if not, my heart continues to go out to you all and I sincerely hope that the years have become at least a little less painful. To Ruxana's mother especially, thank you for having reached out to me back in 2005. I still have all of our e-mails saved and think of you.

All the love and prayers for the Memarzadeh family.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 16th, 2004

Subject:Stellastarr
Time:9:40 pm.
Mood: content.
Ok, I have a new favorite band:

Read more...Collapse )
Stellastarr is amazing! I am so happy I saw them live.

And I am in LOVE with the guitarist!

Read more...Collapse )
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, May 28th, 2004

Subject:Pictures!
Time:6:27 pm.
Mood: giggly.
Ok it is my turn to be a self-centered elitist scene asshole who posts hott pictures of himself in his Live Journal so everyone comments on my severely good looks!! (Sarcasm)

So I'm expecting comments, god damn it!



Prom with Jerida!


Comments: Read 7 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Finally.
Time:12:32 pm.
Mood: crazy.
I'm so happy to be home. I feel free.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004

Subject:Thunderstorm....and congratulations to the class of 2004....jerida, julia, connor good luck!
Time:6:42 pm.
Mood:introspective.
I could listen to the sound of thunder for hours. It's so beautiful.
All alone in my room. So much to think about. I love the sound of rain as it permeates everything in sight like a raging cancer.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Subject:For Ryan and Jill
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: creative.
Ok, I've been writing alot tonight.

This first poem is for Jill and Ryan.

I Spy.

I see you both.
You angels that glow,
such a contrast to the black sheets that cover you.
A fan spins silently, here all echoes faint.
There is a morose drizzle out the window,
and a lonely cigarette lay alone,
in the corner of the room,
the smoke dances, spins and plays -
an old record player whistles
somewhere in the secret caves of this room.
But I realize none of this is relavent,
It all doesn't matter,
because I see you both,
like angels,
an aura of beauty surrounds you both,
intertwined hands, legs, and all,
it is a moment of perfection and flickering serenity.
Both of you alsleep. One. Together.
On that floating bed,
I see you both slumber,
My eyes begin to tear,
though i'm not there with you,
nor do I belong,
I can still watch.
I don't want to wake up, I don't
want this moment to ever end,
I want this to be real for you.

======
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Subject:You mean alot to me.
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: busy.
Ryan:

You are my bestest friend in howle wide wowld.




<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Best Friends Lyk Forever! (haha)

-Love Pete =)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

Subject:Where have my morals gone?
Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: confused.
It's wierd to notice yourself as a person change before your very own eyes.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Bored, Lunch Period
Time:1:36 pm.
[put your music to the following scenes... whatever you think fits]
opening credits: Providence - GodSpeed
first kiss scene: Asleep - The Smiths
sex scene: Do we loose - Gustavo Santaolalla
drug scene: Eraser - NIN
fight scene: Teenage Whore - Jesus and the Mary Chain
murder scene: More of "Providence" (it's a 28 minute song) - GodSpeed
break-up scene: Black Session - Interpol
make-up scene: Angels - Elliot Smith
someone died scene: The Story - Ani Difranco
depressed scene: Some Devil - Dave Matthews
falling/fell in love scene: Solisbury Hill - Peter Gabriel
suicide scene: Beautiful Beast - Fleetwood Mac
flashback scene: Rollercoaster - Red House Papers
party scene: The Equalizer - Clinic
ending credits: Exit Music - Radiohead
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Subject:The Perks of Being a Wallflower, seriously.
Time:9:36 pm.
Have you ever seen a sunset so atomic with colors that you actually wanted to cry? Not even crying because of sad feelings, but just watching all of the beauty around you. After having a cigarette with Kelly and Elena, I walked down to the rocks at the bay and sat there staring out to Prudence Island. The humidity permeated my skin and the rocks hugged me as I stared up at the new born trees. I love to watch the leaves of the trees whistle and dance, and the petals from the Pair Trees to fall like snow. There was something missing - I felt the desire to be with someone there and then, but then I realized it was a special moment...I was with myself, one with the Earth, my mind cleansed of everything. Today was a reminder how beautiful Rhode Island can be. Life is to short to be pissed off all the time.

As I lay on the rocks I wondered about a lot of shit going on in this world. If all the evil people in this world had glanced at that same sunset I witnessed, would they have changed? Would they think and look at life in a different way? Walking around the school hallways I wonder what people think in their minds. Do they notice the little intricate cracks in the sidewalk like me? Do they notice the budding trees in Spring that desperately want to explode with life? Do they appreciate a true sunset? What goes on these people's minds I ask. My friend Laura once told me, "Wouldn't it be cool if everything was just beautiful?". I didn't know what to say, because I'm not sure what life would be like if everything were beautiful. I wish that, though. But then what if everything was beautiful, what would there be to appreciate? Moments when looking up at the millions of leaves that dance above my head on a hot spring day are priceless. Moments like these are when I feel "infinite".
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, May 9th, 2004

Subject:To a special someone.
Time:10:09 pm.
Mood: complacent.
Reminds me of what I feel, there are no negative feelings in my body right now, I feel happy, so don't take this song the wrong way.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...


You've changed me in many ways more than you can imagine.
One day that made my heart swell. Not sure if you felt the same exact way, but you made me feel an unexplicable emotion of light. Your kiss made me realize how beautiful the world could be. Your artwork inspired me to dabble back in to my creativity, and for you I've been writing constantly, poetry.

Thank you so much for everything, you will always be in my mind. Don't mean to scare you by writing this, but you were, in a sense, my first "love". I know this isn't going to work out, and after a week of sorting my mind together and all the craziness occuring in this hectic life, I've come to the realization and as I know you have to that this is for the best. I'm glad it was peaceful...because we're at a point in our lives where we still walk on this uneven Earth. Goodbye, and good luck with your life, I love you like a brother. Thankyou, you know who you are.

See you in New York? <3

Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

Subject:Need a Break
Time:6:06 pm.
Mood: blah.
Alot has been on my mind lately...is that a surprise? No.

So I think I should take a temporary break from this journal. Like a week off or something, sometimes I feel like this journal makes me more confused than I should be.

And I've come to realize that "The Verve" fucking rocks.

Peace out.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Subject:You know who you are
Time:2:54 pm.
I feel so secure. Nobody has ever made me feel so comfortable with myself ever before.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 4th, 2004

Subject:Friends Only Journal
Time:9:46 am.
This Journal HAS to be FRIENDS ONLY. I'm starting to be unsure of who reads this journal...and that is scaring the shit out of me. So add me and I'll add you. But...

FRIENDS ONLY
FRIENDS ONLY
FRIENDS ONLY
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for indiequalizer.

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You're looking at the latest 14 entries.