indiequalizer (indiequalizer) wrote,

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For the family of Ruxana Memarzadeh

Every once in awhile, throughout the years, I have a dream about Ruxana.

They seem so vivid, and it's like she never left my life. She returns to my dreams as the fun, vivacious, daring person I knew for an all too brief time.

Other times, I feel like I spot her in a crowd; I see someone who looks strikingly similar and for a second I believe its her.

I am sure I am not the only one who was touched by Ruxana, who has had these experiences.

I am writing this journal entry to the Memarzadeh family for a couple of reasons. I am sure you have at one time stumbled on this journal (which I haven't written anything in for 8 years), where there were tons of related entries following her passing. They were written when I was 16 and full of so much erratic emotion, and it was for the whole world to see.

Recently I typed in Ruxana's name into google and saw that my journal was one of the first things that came up. I re-read some of the entries and cringed at the content; none said anything negative about Ruxana, but I just felt that my emotions as a teen being shot out to the world in a rambling form (because I was hurting) was not appropriate for all to see, or associate your daughter's name with. In retrospect, I sincerely apologize for not having had that restraint at the time. Therefore, I have made all of those journal entries private so it's not the first few websites to show up if you type in Ruxana's name.

More importantly though, I want to express my extreme remorse in not going through with my meeting with you back in 2006, the summer which I had graduated High School. Ruxana's mother and I had remained in close contact the year following the tragedy, and had planned for me to meet with your family to share memories and stories, as well as answer any questions. Cowardly, I backed out at the last minute and was scared to open up all of that pain. I had suffered through a bad depression in my junior and senior year of High School, and had just overcome it. I was too scared to put myself in a vulnerable emotional place again. I apologize for doing you all that disservice.

I have tried to reach out to Ruxana's brothers over the years but I felt like it was never the right way. I have a lot I want to share with you guys, but realize you are adults now, and that you had to go through so much since Ruxana died. I understand that you probably don't want to dig up a lot of pain. I want to apologize if I seemed too invasive, or not respectful in anyway of your guys' privacy. That said, if you ever would like to ask me about memories or anything, do not hestitate to e-mail me at

In the end, I want to tell you guys that not a day goes by that I don't think of Ruxana, and miss her. Each time I visit San Diego I try to make it to that "sight", and when I do, I feel very connected to her.

I don't want to make it sound as though I knew Ruxana better than you all did, or that she was somehow more a part of my life than yours. Not at all. I knew Ruxana as a teenager, and we always joked we were soulmmates in a non-romantic way. In fact, to this date I haven't shared a connection with anyone else on that level, despite how little we actually ever got to hang out. But I just feel that it's important you know how much she touched my life and meant to me, and still does.

I hope one day we can meet, but if not, my heart continues to go out to you all and I sincerely hope that the years have become at least a little less painful. To Ruxana's mother especially, thank you for having reached out to me back in 2005. I still have all of our e-mails saved and think of you.

All the love and prayers for the Memarzadeh family.

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